


Peter Parker Meets his Weird Extended Super-Family and also Some Purple Guy

by Skyuni123



Series: Tumblr is a Bad Influence [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Humor, Infinity War, Infinity War (Marvel Comics), M/M, i don't know who's actually in infinity war and i don't care, ragnarok!thor bc fuck you russos, shitpost, this became all about thor and im not even ashamed, video diary, vlogging - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-06
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-19 01:10:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14225841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyuni123/pseuds/Skyuni123
Summary: Peter Parker has a very bad day and vlogs nearly all of it.A lot of it is just sitting around.(Infinity War, except Peter's really just meeting a lot of new people and Thanos gets defeated mostly off-screen.)Based offthistumblr post.





	Peter Parker Meets his Weird Extended Super-Family and also Some Purple Guy

**Author's Note:**

> based off [ this ](http://chesterbennington.co.vu/post/172565936908/batmanisagatewaydrug-batmanisagatewaydrug) tumblr post

Blurry, out-of-focus shot of a metallic loop hanging in the sky. It’s huge. Alarming. Pants-shittingly scary. We hear shocked gasps, murmured conversations, and the sound of thirty teens Snapchatting.

 

Whip-pan.

 

The interior of a stopped school bus. Two men, both large (in the ‘could pick you up and throw you’ way), wearing dark sunglasses and heavy armour, stomp towards the camera.

 

“Peter Parker?” One of them bellows. It’s very loud and peaks in the camera. Most of the bus _ oohs.  _

 

“Yep? Um. That’s me?” The speaker is very close to the camera. He sounds flustered - a little scared.

 

“Come with us.”

 

Our view jostles about as the cameraman stands. He squeezes past a girl - unkempt hair, concerned - who speaks as he stumbles out into the aisle.

 

“Do you know who these guys are, Peter?”

 

“Nope. But it’s fine.” Our viewpoint shifts as he holds up a thumb towards the girl. “See you.” 

 

**_Jump cut._ **

 

“Hi.” Our cameraman, instantly recognisable by his voice, is in front of the camera now. His brown hair’s all floppy and all over the place. He smiles, but it can’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m Peter Parker. I… uh… you probably know that. This might be the end of the world.” 

 

**_Jump cut._ **

 

We’re walking up some stairs, looking down towards the ground at some pretty nice Converse.

 

“- I’m  _ NOT  _ overreacting!” It’s coming in from the left speaker, American, male. America’s controversial son, Tony Stark. “Have you seen that fuc- that damn thing? It’s gotta be bad news. Send some drones up or something. Mine get blown to pieces as soon as they get close.”

 

The view of the stairs morphs into carpet. Expensive carpet, the kind of carpet that people don’t buy unless they can afford to spill wine on it.

 

“Do not order me around, Mr Stark.” Another male voice. Heavily accented, but smooth. T’Challa, the King of Wakanda. “I have sent drones. I will inform you of their findings when I know myself. Goodbye.” The voice clicks off into two seconds of dial tone before fading. 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

 

We shakily tilt upward to see Tony Stark, haggard, dropping into a chair. He wipes his hands over his forehead and smooths his hair back.

 

“Mr Stark?”

 

“Call me Tony, Peter, you already know this.” Tony looks up, forces a smile. It also doesn’t reach his eyes. “That thing in the sky. Have you seen it?”

 

“I think it would have been hard to miss.”

 

“Yeah.” Tony heaves a sigh and lets his head thump onto the conference table in front of him. “You wanna make some new friends?

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

“So nobody knows what’s going on.” Peter’s got his head balanced on the back of a chair, camera pointed towards his face. “Whatever it is, they don’t think it’s friendly. They don’t even know what to call it. The ‘ring’? That’s too Lord of the Rings.”

 

“It’s  _ way  _ too Lord of the Rings.” 

 

Peter startles. It’s obvious, because he nearly drops the camera. 

 

After a couple seconds of fiddling, we see Scott Lang - Ant-Man and Baskins Robbins enthusiast. He points directly at the camera and looks warily around the lens. “What’s with the camera?”

 

“Documenting the end of the world.”

 

“Jeez, kid, lighten up a bit.” Scott leans over the lens and presumably pats Peter on the shoulder. “Since when were people your age so nihilistic?”

 

“About the time that the end of the world started to happen every couple of weeks.”

 

“Oh yeah.” Scott shrugs. “I just ignore it now. Sorry I probably punched you in that airport that one time, by the way.”

 

“It’s fine.” Peter sounds honest. He fiddles about with the camera, nervously, and it makes a whole lot of annoying sound feedback that no editor’s going to be able to fix. “Seriously. You had a reason, and Tony wanted me around.”

 

“Yeah… Tony. Huh.” Scott shrugs again, and leans back in his seat. “Was weird getting a call from him. After we fought last time. You know. You want some ice cream?”

 

“Yeah!”

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

Staggered, shaky shots of a quinjet landing on a landing pad. People emerge from it, but we’re too far away to see who they are.

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

We beeline for the pizza quadrant of a buffet. Peter’s hand reaches for a slice.

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

“May, I’m fine. Really. I’ve just been inside for… a few hours… Yes, I’m with Tony. He’s fine too. Love you, miss you. Bye.” There’s a light sniffle and the thud of a phone dropping onto a table.

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

Too close close-up of a figure’s clothes. Blurry. The camera focuses, and then we zoom out, tracking the movements of four figures. T’Challa, his sister Shuri, Bucky Barnes - the (former) Winter Soldier, and Okoye, one of the members of Wakanda’s royal guard. All are walking with determination and purpose.

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

Mumbled conversations off-screen. We can’t hear exactly what they’re saying, but it sounds quite like a lot of shouting. Peter rolls his eyes. “Tony and Bucky are fighting. Again.” He rolls his eyes again and slumps back into his chair, then picks up the camera.

 

As Peter waves the camera around again we see a shot of the ceiling - boring, white, matte - then of the fancy carpet. We hear a door opening.

 

“Uh… hi?” Peter fidgets with the camera, nearly drops it and then turns it towards Shuri, who’s wearing a t-shirt that reads ‘the ocean made me salty’.

 

“You… uh… vlogging this?” She points to the camera as well, which, admittedly, is focussed a tad too much. 

 

“Probably the end of the world. I figured I should at least get some Youtube hits out of the deal.”

 

She nods. “Solid business plan. I like it. I’m Shuri.”

 

“Peter.”

 

“They’ve been arguing for ages now.” She sighs and fiddles with the beads on the necklace around her wrist. “I think my brother’s trying to stop Tony and Bucky fighting, but it’s not exactly working out. If they break Barnes  _ again  _ and I have to fix him  _ again _ , Bast help me, I’ll be very disappointed.”

 

“You… uh… fixed Bucky?”

 

She shrugs. “It wasn’t too hard. Lots of counselling.” 

 

“That’s still… like… super impressive.”

 

“Yeah. How do you know Bucky?”

 

“I guess I fought against him a little while back?” The way that Peter fumbles with the camera suggests that he realises that it was less ‘fighting’ and more ‘not-fighting’, but he says it all the same.

 

“Oh!” Her eyes widen. “You’re… Spiderboy?”

 

“Spiderman.” 

 

She looks up and down at him. “Sure. Did you really get bitten by a radioactive spider?”

 

“Define ‘bitten’.”

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

“Last week my brother asked me to explain what a furry was and when I told him that he was one he didn’t speak to me for three days.”

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

“You know what memes are, right?” Shuri.

 

Shuri and Peter are sharing a bowl of strawberries. The camera is on a horrific angle, focussed mainly on the strawberries. They take up most of the screen. There’s a mouldy one in the right corner. 

 

“Who doesn’t know what memes are?” Peter reaches over the camera and grabs a strawberry.

 

“I  _ know.  _ You’d think. But nobody I know gets them! Hey, want to see this meme I made?”

 

“Sure!”

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

Close-up on an video projected from Shuri’s bead bracelet. It’s T’Challa, being thrown across a room, set to  _ Watcha’ Say  _ by Jason Derulo. It’s really very funny. 

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

Our view shakes. This time it shakes because the room’s shaking, though, not just because Peter’s a terrible cameraman.

 

“What the hell’s that?” Peter yelps.

 

Shuri’s fiddling with her bracelet, which we can just see through the shaky-cam of the whole thing. “Localised seismic activity… From the exact position that the loop’s hovering above. Damn.”

 

The door opens. In all the chaos, we don’t really hear it.

 

“Shuri?” This time it’s T’Challa. We don’t actually see him, but we do focus on his sleeve. 

 

(Peter’s very bad at vlogging, okay?)

 

“Brother?”

 

“We need to leave. There’s reports of creatures emerging from the loop over New York.” 

 

“Of course.” Shuri looks towards Peter and the camera. “Bye. Try not to die, yes?”

 

“I will try very hard not to do that.” 

 

T’Challa looks towards Peter. We finally, actually, focus on his face. “Spiderman.” 

 

“Uh… your majesty… uh… Black Panther… uh… sir?” Peter stammers, violently, and nearly drops the camera again. Honestly, this camera’s gotta be indestructible at this point. 

 

“T’Challa is fine.” He nods, gravely. “We will see you on the battlefield.”

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

Through a window, we see two figures reuniting. The camera whirs for a second, and then we focus on them.

 

Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers. We’re too far away to hear what they’re saying, but it’s obvious that it’s important, laden with longing and repressed tears.

 

They run towards each other, and nearly crush themselves as they embrace. It’s clearly born out of want and absolute trust. 

Barnes pulls away, stares Steve right in the eyes and says something. We can’t quite make it out, but it looks a lot like, “I love you. I’m so sorry.”

 

Steve seems to hesitate for a moment, hands hanging in mid-air, like he can’t quite comprehend what’s happening. But then he surges forward and kisses Bucky in a way that suggests both of them have been wanting this for a very long time.

 

“Huh.” Peter murmurs, mouth way too close to the camera. “Guess the tabloids weren’t making stuff up, after all.”

 

**_Slow, sweet fade-out_ **

 

Peter’s still eating strawberries. The bowl doesn’t seem to be getting any less full.

 

The camera is pointed towards the door, just on the edge of being properly focussed.

 

A man, heavily bearded and dressed like a carnival wizard, storms in. Dr Steven Strange. (Yes, that’s his real name.) He stops, and glares at Peter.

 

“Who are you?”

 

“Peter Parker. Who are you?”

 

“Doctor Strange.” 

 

“Oh!” Peter drops the strawberry he’s eating. “We’re using our made-up names, then? I’m Spiderman, in that case.”

 

Doctor Strange nods. It seems to take him a moment. “Doctor Strange is my real name. I’m a doctor. My surname is Strange.”

 

“Cool.” Peter picks up the strawberry and goes back to munching. “Who are you looking for? Since the world’s ending and all that.”

 

“Tony.”

 

“Oh, I’ve not seen him for like… six hours since he told me to “stay in this room”. Good luck!”

 

Doctor Strange departs without a backwards glance. Rude. 

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

We focus in on a spaceship landing outside the window. It’s long, blueish and actually kinda ugly. Another, smaller spaceship lands next to it. This one is well-defined, with yellow and blue stripes.

 

Peter sighs, right into the camera’s microphone. “Why do I never get the cool vehicles?”

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

The room is suddenly packed. Tony’s back, so’s T’Challa and Shuri. Bucky and Steve are there, as well as Doctor Strange. There’s also a whole bunch of aliens, a talking tree, Thor, Bruce Banner, Loki, Brunnhilde, Natasha Romanoff and Sam Wilson. Clint Barton’s also there, but he never speaks and you don’t actually see him.

 

There’s probably other people there too, but no-one’s counting. 

 

It’s like a Funko Pop marketer had a field day. 

 

“So, there’s a giant loop hanging in the sky over Brooklyn that keeps on blowing up my drones and making earthquakes. Anyone know who’s doing it?” Tony yells, positively shouting over the commotion in the room. He’s standing on a chair, because otherwise he would be totally swallowed up by the crowd. 

 

“Thanos.” The finality in Thor’s voice seems to shock everyone into silence. Either that, or they just want to hear him so they all shut up.

 

A raccoon (a  _ RACCOON!!)  _ sidles up to Peter’s plate of strawberries and steals one. He also pokes a finger at the camera and whispers, “Hi earth people. I’m a talking raccoon. Hope that didn’t scare ya, ‘cause I’m probably one of the last things you’re ever gonna see.”

 

“Grim.” Peter whispers back. 

 

The raccoon shrugs and disappears back into the crowd. 

 

“Thanos is a pretty bad guy. He’s got a fascination with death and just wants to end the lives of everyone in the universe. The loop’s a portal, and as soon as he comes through it, he’s going to wage war on earth.” Thor drawls. “Any questions?”

 

Peter picks up the camera and we zoom right in on Thor’s new haircut. It’s actually not that bad. Kinda spiky. Very 90s Australian beach boy. 

 

“Is there anything we can do to stop it?” Natasha asks. We can’t even see her in the crowd, because it’s so full of tall, mostly-white dudes. 

 

Loki speaks up. He looks alarmingly gothic in a room full of so much colour and latex. “Thanos has a gauntlet. It has these stones in it - I’m not going to go into detail, your simple human minds probably wouldn’t understand it - but they make him unkillable. Take the gauntlet off him and he loses all of his power. Then, you kill him.”

 

“Sounds simple enough.” Tony jumps off his chair and is immediately swallowed by the crowd. When he speaks again, his voice is muffled. “Anyone know how to remove a guy’s glove?”

 

The room shudders again. It’s not an emotional thing, this time. The room’s actually moving. It’s another earthquake and it seems to go on for forever.

 

Afterward, after Peter’s picked the camera, himself and every single strawberry off the floor, T’Challa says, “That shake felt stronger. Shuri?”

 

Shuri fiddles with her bracelet again. “Yes. They’ve been steadily getting worse for the last hour. I believe we should -”

 

But she’s interrupted when there’s a loud crackle of static and Scott’s voice comes emitting out from one of the beads on the bracelet. 

 

We zoom in as far as we can. The picture is grainy and horrible, but we see that the bead’s glowing a deep red. 

 

“Hey, anyone want a dead purple guy?” Scott asks, half of his words nearly being obscured by static. “Or this weird bronze glove thing with gems on it? Also, anyone want a spaceship?”

 

Nobody moves.

 

Thor clears his throat and shifts uncomfortably on his feet for a moment. “Does this dead purple man look a lot like Bruce Willis from your Midgardian films?”

 

Scott laughs, “Yeah, crossed with a tumor.”

 

“Well, congratulations, uh- I don’t even know this man’s name. What’s his name?” Thor wheels around, looking for someone to give him an answer.

 

At this point, basically everyone’s sitting on the floor. The lack of an imminent death threat has really seemed to mellow them. 

 

“Uh.” Steve blinks. “Scott. Scott Lang. Ant-Man.”

 

“Congratulations, Mr Ant, you’ve saved Earth.” Thor bellows, grinning wildly. “Can we start on the libations now?”

 

“Could you maybe come and get this glove thing first? And also, purple guy’s like a foot tall right now, cause I had to shrink him to kill him after he tried to kill me. He’s really beginning to smell. Can I keep the spaceship?” Scott asks. 

 

Tony has his head in his hands. “FRIDAY, send some of my drones to clean up the area and pick Scott up. Anyone want pizza?”

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

We focus in on one of the biggest stacks of pizza boxes the world has ever seen. There’s gotta be at least two hundred boxes there.

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

The camera’s sitting off-focus on somebody’s lap. Judging by the quality of the clothes, it’s pretty obvious it’s Tony’s. 

 

“Sorry I dragged you out of school for this, kid.” Tony says, and passes a full box of pizza over to Peter.

 

“Missing a history trip at school to spend a few hours with some of the coolest people on this planet? Why are you sorry?”

 

“Some of the coolest people on this planet, huh?” 

 

“Yeah, like I said. ‘Some’.” Peter chortles, and dives into the pizza.

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

Thor, Bruce, Brunnhilde, Tony and Steve are sitting in a circle. Peter’s got the camera, yet again. Brunnhilde has a large bottle of vodka sitting in front of her, and is basically comatose, dozing on Thor’s shoulder.

 

“I’m with the Avengers!” He whispers into the lens, wide-eyed. “It’s so much better now we’re not trying to kill each other!” He turns the camera back around to face the group.

 

“You lost an eye, huh?” Tony asks, helping himself to another slice of pizza. “That must have been… bad.”

 

“Yeah.” Thor’s got three slices of pizza all piled on top of one another and he’s trying to eat them all at the same time. “And my dad died. And I destroyed my planet trying to kill my sister. Still, Loki’s back, though!”

 

“Is that really a good thing?” Steve asks. He’s not eating pizza, because he’s a responsible, healthy adult.

 

“Well, he’s not actively trying to enslave worlds at the moment, so it’s an improvement.” Thor shrugs. “We hate each other a lot, but he’s still my brother.”

 

We whip-pan across to Loki, who’s sitting with Gamora, Groot, Korg, and Rocket Raccoon. He looks like he’s trying to convince them to help him with enslaving the earth.

 

The camera whips back to Thor. “Oh yeah, and he seduced a man who’s older than the universe and got nothing more from him than money and influence.” 

 

“So Loki got a sugar daddy, huh?” Tony raises an eyebrow and looks at Loki consideringly. “I know he’s generally a terrible person but -”

 

“Whatever you’re going to say, don’t say it.” Bruce groans. “I’ve spent five months in a spaceship mulling over the fact that Loki seduced a million-year old man who looked a lot like Jeff Goldblum and who also kept me as a pet.”

 

“Kinky.” Tony looks like he’s about to say more, but glances quickly at the camera and doesn’t.

 

“Bucky told me that he’s been in love with me ever since we were kids.” Steve’s staring at the slide of pizza in his hand like it holds the secrets of the universe. “And I think I’ve been in love with him as well.”

 

“Well, that’s obvious.” Tony says, with a mouthful of pizza. “You nearly killed me for that guy.”

 

“No, I nearly killed you because you were-” Steve starts, but is stopped in his tracks.

 

Brunnhilde cracks open an eye and slurs, “I don’t know who either of you are, but if you fight each other I’ll fight you both. Okay?” She seems to fall right back to sleep immediately.

 

“Thor… uh… who’s that?” Tony asks.

 

“Alcoholic, badass, Valkyrie.” Brunnhilde slurs, eyes still closed. “What up.” 

 

“Her name’s Brunnhilde.” Thor adds helpfully. “She’s amazing.”

 

“Yep.” Brunnhilde says, and holds her thumb up in the vague direction of Tony.

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

Later.

 

“I see you acquired a son while I was gone.” Thor says, joyfully, pointing in the direction of Peter and the camera. “That is always a wise idea. I have many offspring spr-”

 

Peter must drop the camera, because we immediately get a horrible view of the floor. 

 

“Son?” Tony sounds a tiny bit choked up, but that could just be dust in the microphone. “Peter’s… uh… not my son.”

 

We see that the camera’s picked up, but it’s definitely by Thor. He fiddles with it, puts a hand in front of the lens, somehow manages to change it so it’s filming in 30fps, and makes everything sepia.

 

Peter looks flustered. “Not… uh… my dad.”

 

“Oh, well, I just thought so because you were both talking  _ SO MUCH  _ about your shared technical experience and Peter spent so long looking at Tony like he created the world or whatever - I thought you were family. Are you sure you’re not?” Thor’s mouth is far too close to the camera’s microphone, because everything clips as he speaks.

 

“Well…” Tony looks over at Peter like he’s trying furiously to think of what to say next, “I-”

 

But we don’t get to hear what he has to say because Thor drops the camera.

 

“Shit. Why is Midgardian technology so breakable?”

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

Laterer.

 

The room has somewhat cleared out.

 

There’s still a mountain of pizza everywhere, though.

 

Thor. Tony. 

 

Peter may or may not be asleep, considering the faint snoring noise coming from near the camera.

 

“So you’re telling me that you and Steve only stopped working together because you had an argument? Just get over it! I did! I’m still friends with Loki and he’s tried to kill me three times  _ today.  _ This petty mortal shit is nothing.” 

 

Loki. Offscreen. “He’s been eating poisoned pizza all afternoon.”

 

Thor doesn’t even blink. “You’ve been poisoning me for years, I’ve built up a tolerance.”

 

**_Jumpcut_ **

 

Laterest.

 

Camera’s still running, Peter’s still asleep. The room’s empty, aside from a large collection of pizza boxes.

 

The door opens. 

Scott’s back!

 

“Guys, I was told there was pizza.”

 

Pause.

 

“Guys? Seriously?”

 

Scott fumbles through the pizza boxes, but there’s no pizza anywhere.

 

“I saved the damn world!! Seriously?!”

  
  


**_Fade out to black._ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hit me up on [ tumblr ](http://villainousfilmmaker.tumblr.com) for more of this nonsense.


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